Relationshit
by Mird
Summary: A number of short parodies featuring the stupidity of each and every FMA pairing. Crackfic. Do not enter if you are an easily offended fan of ANY pairing. Chapter Sixteen: AlxOC-- He rells her these things because she is cute, young and female.
1. RoyWinry

**To all fans: An apology, in advance, to anyone who is offended by the contents of this fic. The author (also known as theretard5892 or Mird) did not write this with the motive of insulting people. Flames will be laughed at and ignored, seeing as they tend to be a little bit stupid. Those who can't take a joke are jokes themselves.**

Chapter One

Roy-Winry

"Colonel, you have a call from an outside line."

Roy nodded. "Let it through." Riza handed him the phone, giving him a silent warning to make it quick and not neglect his paperwork.

"Hello?"

"Hi, this is Winry Rockbell. Ed's mechanic. I was wondering, is he in Central right now? It seems like you'd be the person to know. He needs to come in for maintenance soon."

"No, he's on a mission, but I'll tell him when he comes back. Good bye."

"Good bye."

And so began the beautiful relationship between Roy and Winry.


	2. EdRussell

Chapter Two

Ed-Russell

Once upon a time Ed was walking down the street for a reason that the author is too lazy to come up with. Then, out of nowhere, Russell appears. Why is he here? How did he know where Ed was? Um...We'll figure that out later.

"Oh, hello Edo-kun!" said Russell, as the author ignored the fact that this series takes place in a European country. "What a lovely day! It reminds me of the beautiful time that we knew each other! Such memories!"

Here, the author will ignore the fact that Russell and Ed knew each other for about a week. And the fact that they hate each other. Because they are obviously hiding their true feelings behind their tough exterior, being secretive in their unknown love for each other because they know it would not be approved by the outside world...

"Russell! Thanks God you're here, there is no other person-I-knew-for-a-week that I'd rather talk to about this! I know you, of all people, will understand and not judge me for this!" said Ed, looking slightly teary eyed and sounding very out of character. He leapt into Russell's arms, ignoring the fact that there were people watching. Um...never mind, the author will now magically make all bystanders go poof, this beautiful moment needs to be private. And now the author will ignore the fact that they have said 'ignore the fact' way too many times.

"Russell, I'm...I'm...Gay! And I LOVE you!"

"Oh Edward!" said Russell, kissing Ed (passionately, may I add) and holding him close, his (extremely ugly) hair falling into his eyes sexily. Or at least that's how it looked to Ed.

"Let's run away together and ignore the fact that we both have orphans for younger brothers that need us to be there for them!" Ed suggested, his eyes filled with Armstrong sparkles.

"Or...We could get them together in a dark closet and let them turn into a yaoi pairing!"

Ed's face brightened. "Hooray! Great idea!"

And so, they were all happy. And the plot got shot by Riza before it even made it's way into the story. The End.


	3. EdOC

Chapter Three

Ed-OC

She flipped her long, luxurious blond hair over her shoulder, giving a cutely innocent glance in the direction of Edward Elric, who couldn't help but come over and speak to her. Surely her voice must match her beauty? It did, and so did the words she spoke.

"Excuse me," he said, giving her a handsome smile. "But may I ask who you are?"

"Why yes," she said, her voice like the tinkling of a million and three bells, which would actually sound a bit annoying, since bells tend to be really loud, but we'll ignore that fact for now. "I am Seraphim Arcana Amber Raiven Jessica the Third, the Ghostly-perfection-of-love-and-beauty Alchemist! The youngest state alchemist ever!"

"Impossible," Ed replied. "I'm the youngest state alchemist ever! I joined when I was twelve." He sounded disbelieving, begging her to prove him wrong.

"Well you see," she began, batting her eyelashes. "When I was at only the tender age of five weeks old, I was offered the opportunity by my older brother, Roy Mustang-"

"Wait...What?" Al asked, saving his brother with a voice of reason. "How does _that_ work? You'd only be ten at the most then right now..."

Seraphim Arcana Amber Raiven Jessica the Third gave him a glare. "I'll have you know, I'm actually seventeen!"

"Oh, an older woman!" Ed said. "Let's get married!"

"WHAT?!"

"Yes, yes, my darling Edward! I shall be Mrs. Seraphim Arcana Amber Raiven Jessica _Elric_ the Third! Oh dear, but this ugly suit of armor will get in the way!" She sniffed, tears brimming in her eyes. "Edward dear, I can't look upon such ugliness! I thought you said you'd make everything perfect for me!"

Ed held her close, kissing her passionately. "Don't worry my darling Seraphim Arcana Amber Raiven Jessica the Third, I will get rid of this eye sore for you!" With that, he pulled out a gun and shot his brother dead. Seraphim Arcana Amber Raiven Jessica the Third squealed for joy and they lived happily ever after. The end.


	4. LustBlack Hayate

Chapter Four

Lust-Black Hayate

"Oh, what a cute puppy!" said Lust, cuddling the puppy to her overly large breasts. "Oh, soooo cuuuute!"

"Arf!" said Black Hayate, which means 'Get away you sicko slut, Riza's the only one I love!"

But it was too late, because Lust had already started making out with him. He enjoyed it very much so.

"Hmph! Riza never does stuff like that with me! Lust, I love you more!"

Lust didn't answer because she was too busy killing Riza before Black Hayate could even have the chance to go back to his old love interest.

THE END.

(No, that didn't make sense to me, either.)


	5. RoyEd

Chapter Five

Roy-Ed

"Fullmetal. Will you ignore the fact that I killed the parents of your best friend, have always acted like a total bigheaded bastard towards you and have never shown any worry or care towards you at all? Will you accept the completely unexpected fact that I am a gay pedophile and that I love you?"

"Yep! By the way, I love you too, because you're hot and I'm TOTALLY GAY TOO, HAHA!...Al and I are staying in a hotel, but he's not there right now...And there's only one bed, cuz he doesn't sleep...When's your lunch break?"

Roy neglected to mention that he had a date during lunch. With a girl. Who was not aware of the fact that he was a gay pedophile.

She was left waiting in the cold.

THE END.

* * *

**Gerroff a' me, damn yaoi fangirls. You're as rabid as the Cullen fangirls when I write his name near a chainsaw doodle. I don't like RoyEd- you can't stop that. You DO like it- I can't stop that. So let's not try. This is just tasteless crack, poking fun at any and all pairings. I mean no offense, and unless you're a stuck up bitch who can't take a joke, you'll take no offense. End of story. Good night.**


	6. Edvy

Chapter Six

Ed-Envy/Edvy

Envy stabbed Ed.

"Ow! Darling, why'd you do that?!"

"SHUT UP! I'M NOT YOUR DARLING! WE HATE EACH OTHER!"

"But Envy! I love you! Because I'm totally gay so of COURSE I love you, you crossdressing, inhuman freak who's technically my half brother in the anime, and about fifty bazillion years older than me! I love your green hair and your miniskirt and the way you send me to the hospital with near fatal injuries whenever we see each other! I also love how you can transform into all my other gay boyfriends, like Al, Roy, Russell, Hughes and Havoc! I think it makes you HAWT, like Edward Cullen! So please, Envy, MARRY ME!"

Envy stabbed Ed again.

The End.


	7. Elricest

cahpter 7

elricest (is hawt)

O. M. G.

Elricest...........is lyke, hawt.

they shud make babies. cuz ed is lyke, totaly a GURL.

and incest is SMEXY.

and al, lyke, totaly LURVS his BRO, cuz, lyke, who wouldnt? ed ish HAWT, and al wud be even more perfect with him then roy mustang. and winrys a slut. she doesnt deserve eds hawtness.

al does.

they lurv each other.

they said so.

yeah.

..............

elricest is HAWT.

* * *

URGENT NOTICE!

This fic was temporarily taken over by an illiterate yaoi fan!

Please ignore the first half of this chapter; theretard5892 did not write it, assist in writing it, or have any part at all in the existence of it.

Thank you, and have a nice day.


	8. AlWin

Chapter Eight

AlWin

Winry kissed Al's armor. "Oh, the beautiful shine of steel! How I love it! The smell of polish, oil, grease...The sound of clanking metal plates, the tinny, echoing sound! How I love it so! Alphonse, you are amazing! Metal is my passion, and that makes you walking-passion!" She kissed him again, wrapping her arms around his large, awkward body.

"I love you too," Al said, returning her embrace.

* * *

Three months later, Ed and Al returned again, with their original bodies regained. Winry opened the door ecstatically, although her good mood wilted when she saw the state of Al's body.

"Winry," Al said softly, kissing her on the cheek. "I love you so much...And I got my body back, so now we can have sex!" He sounded excited. Ed hit him on the head because his little brother was young and innocent AND THAT SURE AS HELL WASN'T CHANGING ANYTIME SOON.

"Alphonse," Winry wept. "I'm sorry, but...I don't love you anymore."

Al was shocked. "What?! Why not?!"

Winry sniffled. "Because...I only loved you because you were made of metal! Oh, where will I ever find another metal man?!"

Mird got mad at Winry for breaking her darling Alphonse's heart, so she sent her to Oz where she started making out with the Tin Man, only to be eaten alive by flying monkeys.

THE. END.


	9. HughesEd

Chapter Nine

HughesEd

Ed sat at Hughes's grave.

"Hughes," he said, his voice thick with tears. "I love you so much..."

This confession turned out to be the magic words to activate the magical fanfiction-fairy, who brought Hughes back to life.

"Oh, Edward!" Hughes said, kissing the younger man passionately. "Even though I'm more than twice your age, have never shown anything more than friendly affection towards you, and am happily married with a lovely wife and a daughter, I-"

"Wait- Hughes?" Ed said, sounding confused.

"What?" Hughes asked. Ed made a face and backed away.

"I think I need glasses. I thought you were Roy. He's the one I love. Bye!"

Hughes's heart broke and he crumbled into dust, dying once again.


	10. LingEd

...**Yeah. I dunno, really.**

Chapter Ten

LingEd

"You know, Ed," Ling said, glancing slyly at him. Actually, forget the glancing thing. Ling never opens his eyes. "I'm going to be an emperor, so if you married me...You'd be an empress."

"I'm not a girl," Ed said stiffly. "And didn't you just propose to Winry?"

"Well, she hit me with her wrench. I took that as a no."

Ed blinked. "...Hold on."

He forced his way through the hurricane-esque rage of Winry having PMS to the eye of the storm, a sweet, kind, compassionate (sorta) girl. And she gave him a present.

Ed walked back out of the back room and lifted his present above his head. "No thanks. You'll have to find a different husband. Er, wife." He slammed the present (which happened to be a wrench) down on Ling's head until he bled to death.

THE END


	11. ScarEd

**Yes, this pairing actually exists. *shudders***

Chapter Eleven

ScarEd

"Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist, I shalt spareth you," Scar said, his nose hairs swaying epically in the breeze.

"Huh? Really? Why?" Ed asked. They had bumped into each other in the grocery store. Ed had an armful of cookies and a pocketful of money that would be used to pay for previously mentioned cookies. Scar had a shopping cart filled with gummi worms, macaroni and thirteen watermelons.

"Because I-"

"Hey, what's all that shit in your basket for? Do you really eat all that stuff?"

"It's not for eating!" Scar exclaimed. "Come on!" he dragged Ed out the door, cookies and all, and dumped the contents of his cart onto the black surface of the parking lot.

He arranged the macaroni and gummi worms into words. They spelled out 'I love you, Edward'. He carved the watermelons (he had an award in watermelon carving) into life-sized, identical copies of their heads, kissing.

"Um...That's very nice, Scar."

Then Scar and Ed were both arrested for shoplifting and sent to jail. Scar jail-raped Ed and everyone lived happily ever after, provided that your definition of 'everyone' is 'absolutely no one.'

THE END


	12. EdWin

**There's a stereotype in my head that EdWin fangirls squeal more than any other type of fangirl and can somehow translate any and all interactions between Ed and Winry into ****romance.**

**Yaoi fans- bugger off. I LIKE this pairing, and yet I still parody it. So you can't tell me that I'm biased- that would be rude, stupid and untrue.**

Chapter Twelve

EdWin

Winry was sitting in a chair reading Twilight. She sat in just the right position that allowed anyone walking by to see her panties. Ed walked by. The fangirls squealed.

"Winry, I have something to tell you," said Ed, gazing longingly at her ass. The fangirls squealed because perverted Ed=good.

"What is it, Ed?" said Winry, placing a bookmark carefully into her book. The fangirls squealed because they just fucking felt like it.

"I...I..." Ed stuttered. The fangirls squealed expectantly.

"Ed, if you tell me, I'll make you an apple pie," said Winry. The fangirls squealed at the depressingly stupid dialogue.

"I LOVE YOU!" Ed exclaimed. The fangirls super-ultra-mega squealed and half of them exploded.

"There," said Winry. "That wasn't so hard. Now let's go and show off our new relationshit and watch while the author makes you continue to be awkward about romance for the rest of your life." The fangirls squealed because awkward relationshits are kawaii.

"Can we have three children and name them after dead people?" Ed asked, his face bright with excitement.

Winry grinned. "Sure! Come to bed with me! We shall welcome Nina, Sarah and Trisha tomorrow morning? cuz dats how long it takes for a baby 2 be borned, rite? lolz."

The fangirls squealed at the shit-grammar.

The End


	13. AlMei

**I hate AlMei. I HATE it. I have nothing wrong with Mei as a character, but she is nothing more than a fangirl to Al.**

Chapter Thirteen

AlMei

Once upon a time, in the land of plotlessness, there was an adorably sexy, sexily adorable young maiden named Mei Chan. She had disturbingly long hair and a creepy panda that made fangirls go 'AWWW, DESU!'

Mei Chan skipped along the sunny streets of Central city when her obsidian orbs captured a glimpse of Alphonse Elric. Mei stopped skipping and blushed tomato-red.

"A-Alphonse-sama!" she yelled out, waving her arms wildly in the air. "Over here!"

Alphonse looked over curiously. When he caught sight of his adorably sexy, sexily adorable lover, his amber orbs glistened with happiness. "Mei Chan!" he exclaimed, hurrying over anxiously. "Oh, my darling! How hath I livedeth withouteth you?" He bowed down and kissed her feet. She giggled and blushed at his misuse of ye olde grammar- which, to her, sounded extremely romantic and sexy. Shaddup. She's, like, nine.

Al draped the corner of his blanket around Mei's shoulders. "Isn't the fire beautiful?" he sighed. What? They were just on a street in Central? Psh. Whatever. Consistency is for loozers.

Mei blushed. "Alphonse-sama," she whispered as she blushed. He smiled. She blushed.

"You can tell me anything, Mei," he said. She blushed.

"I...Well...I..." She squirmed and blushed. She even blushed a bit. "You'll call me childish!"

"Mei, I'll NEVER call you childish," Al assured her.

"Really?"

"Really."

She blushed. "I didn't really have anything to say. I just think your name is funny." She blushed some more.

Alphonse-sama laughed. "Oh, Mei! You're so childish! But you aren't childish in a childish way; you're childish in a sexy way, my adorably sexy, sexily adorable lover! Let's make babies and name them after dead people!"

What? You say that Mei can't make babies? You say that she hasn't even gone through puberty yet? Fuck you. dats y its called fanFICTION!!!1!

Mei blushed. "Oh, Alphonse-sama!" she crooned as he stripped her of her clothes. She blushed and blushed and blushed and blushed. She blushed until her blushing glands fell out of her face. She continued to blush 'cause blushing glands don't exist.

Then her face exploded from too much blushing and she died. Al angsted for a bit before getting over it and finding a Mary Sue to 'love'. He no longer cared for Mei because Darwin awards are a turn-off.

(Besides, Mei was flat-chested. No one likes flat-chested nine year olds.)

* * *

**The main points in this are, in case you haven't noticed: Mei blushing A LOT, Mei calling Al "Alphonse-sama' and Mei being childish in a sexy way. These are all fact-based. Go read some AlMei fics. They basically parody themselves.**


	14. Edvy Returns

**Just an idea I had. Edvy needed more attention than I gave it before.**

Chapter Fourteen

Edvy returns

"Oh, Edward," Envy sighed, snuggling closer to his lover's exposed chest. "I'm so glad that we have fangirls who're willing to work out the little kinks in our relationship for us..."

"I know what you mean," said Edward, kissing Envy's neck. "How could we ever manage to love each other if they weren't there to make all our actions seem logical?"

"Exactly!" said Envy. "Because, really, we could get a lot of haters if it weren't for them... After all, I'm a few hundred years older than you."

"Well, you know what they say!" Edward said with a grin.

"'If Edward and Bella can be together, so can Ed and Envy'!" they said in unison.

Envy laughed. "And where would we be without 'their "hatred" for each other is just a manly way of hiding their love'?"

"We'd both be miserable," Edward said with a nod as he reached for Envy's hand. "And how about 'it's only sort of yaoi because Envy's not really a guy or a girl'?"

"Oh, you," Envy giggled as his cheeks turned bright pink. "Come on, let's have sex!"

Envy tackled Ed.

Envy forgot that he weighed hundreds of pounds in his true form.

Ed was crushed.

Even the most rabid of Edvy fangirls couldn't excuse that one away.

The End

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 51, page 35. Look it up.**

**I think that I now understand why most Edvy fics are crappy high school AU.**


	15. Royai

**Hello, everyone! Happy December! Two days ago, eight minutes before midnight, I finished my NaNoWriMo novel! Now I'm back to FFnet and I'll (hopefully) be posting a lot, and soon.**

**Truth be told, I didn't really want my first update uninterrupted by NaNoWriMo to be crack, so I was a bit reluctant to start off with Relationshit. But, the thing is, I have limited ideas for serious fics. If you have any ideas or requests-- any at all!-- for me, please tell me. I'll love you forever. Seriously.**

Chapter Fifteen

Royai

"Roy, wake up from you early-afternoon, post-lunch nap," Riza said briskly. "It's time for your daily paperwork-burning session."

"Already?" Roy asked, bewildered. "But I haven't had time to angst about Ishbal and chug the booze that I keep hidden in my desk!" He sighed. "I'm so -busy- all the time, Riza. It's stressful. Not enough hours in the day, you know? Lately, I haven't even had any time to prank my subordinates or make Ed's life miserable!"

"Heaven forbid," Riza said with a sigh. "But, oh, Roy! I've been reading the most -wonderful- romance novel! It's inspiring me!"

"What is it?"

"Twilight."

"Ah," said Roy. "I beleive you mentioned it in your diary."

"...You read that?" Riza raised a single eyebrow. "But all my girlish desires and angsty secrets are in there!"

"I read that you wanted to kiss me. Is that true?"

Riza nodded. "Totally. Let's have a lemon."

"Neat-o!" said Roy. They stripped each other of their military uniforms and did it on Roy's desk. In the middle of the day. With the windows open.

Privacy is sooo not kawaii.


	16. AlxOC

**This is like a mix of Insert Witty Title Here and Epic. :/**

Chapter Sixteen

AlxOC

Luna Stella Sakura's (1) deep blue orbs glistened with bravery, fear, happiness, hidden angst and kawaii-desu contradictions. A man in a seven foot suit of armor was being attacked. How could she cower in a corner helplessly? She knew that she had to do something-- after all, it was obvious that the enormous mass of metal held a defenseless, innocent young boy. He would never survive without her help.

She silently pulled a knife from her pocket and leapt swiftly behind the attacker. "Freeze," she said as she pressed the knife against his throat.

"AIEEEE!" the attacker squealed. "I AM SO FRIGHTENED OF A SMEXY YOUNG GIRL WITH A KNIFE! I HAVE NO PRIDE OR ENDURANCE! OH NO, I AM FAINTING, SOMEONE CATCH ME!" The attacker fainted. No one caught him.

The armored boy trembled. "Y-you saved me!" he exclaimed. "Thank you for rushing to my assistance, as I clearly can't save myself from this nameless, faceless, motiveless attacker who wants my life for unknown reasons!"

"Yeah, well," said Luna Stella Sakura. "It was my honor." She smiled attractively. "Let's sit down and talk to each other as if nothing happened."

"That is a fantastic idea," he said. They sat down and talked to each other as if nothing had happened.

"I'm Luna Stella Sakura," said Luna Stella Sakura. "Who are you?"

"Alphonse Elric," said Al. "When I was ten, my brother and I tried to bring our mother back to life. My body was taken away as punishment, but my brother attached my soul to this suit of armor by sacrificing his right arm. If the seal of his blood is broken, I'll die. I'm telling you this because you are cute, young and female."

"I see," said Stella Luna Sakura. "I think I love you. Let's have a cutesy fluffsy relationshit."

"I agree," said Al. "But it has to remain cutesy and fluffsy, as I am an innocent young boy."

"As am I," said Stella Luna Sakura. "Except I'm not a boy. Come, Alphonse! Let us run away and squeal over kitties together!"

Al and Stella Luna Sakura ran away and squealed over kitties together.

Ed was forgotten.

* * *

**(1) Which just so happens to be the name of my new jellyfish on Happy Aquarium. :)**


End file.
